Breathe Again
by LivenotMerelysurvive
Summary: I'm gonna call these cohesive one-shots. Kurt has to come to terms with the fact that Blaine might not be the one. First in a series.
1. Prologue

Finally. Kurt had been waiting, not so patiently, for this day and now he thought he might throw up. As Blaine removed his shirt, Kurt wondered at the lack of urgency. Everything was done slowly, lovingly, and with complete consideration for their partner. It was everything he had dreamed it would be when his Dad had first told him to use sex to connect with someone. Well, he'd never felt more a part of another person.

The burn that accompanied Blaine's fingers was a welcome distraction from just how overwhelming it all was. He knew there were tears rolling down his cheeks and he knew they were there for all the right reasons. They had nothing to do with pain or regret. It was all love. Looking up into Blaine's eyes, everything he felt was reflected back at him and he knew they'd been right to wait.

Blaine's first tear didn't fall until he entered Kurt slowly, kissing him softly and resting their foreheads together. Kurt marveled at Blaine's control and was hit with another wave of rightness. It did hurt, a lot, but the pain was almost overshadowed by the boy moving above him. The hint of awe in every "I love you" that passed through his lips. It made everything else fade away. No other words were shared. It felt like anything more would break the fog of perfection that had fallen around them.

As Blaine started to move in earnest, Kurt's breath caught. Their movements were still slow, but had shifted into something more deliberate and needy. Their kisses became deeper, but were still in no way rushed. Kurt could feel Blaine getting closer, could literally taste it in their kisses.

That was when he knew that he wouldn't be coming. As breath taking as the experience was, he wasn't close. Maybe he had spent too much time focusing on Blaine's eyes and not enough time on his own pleasure, but he was strangely ok with it. The look on Blaine's face when he came was worth absolutely everything.

"I'm sorry, Kurt." Blaine whispered raggedly, his face hidden in the curve of Kurt's neck. He refused to meet Kurt's eyes and tried to move away, but Kurt held him in place, kissing the top of his head and his cheek.

"You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. That was the most beautiful thing I've ever done." Kurt whispered. Despite the awkwardness of their current situation, the fog hadn't lifted. It felt wrong to let it dissipate so quickly, so he held Blaine in him, soaking up the love that was rolling off the other boy in waves.

KBKB

A few moments later, Blaine limply withdrew from Kurt and looked at him properly for what felt like the first time. This boy was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen, especially in this moment, tinted red form excursion. He wanted, so much, to tell Kurt just how amazing he was, but thought better of it. He'd never expressed himself in that way to Kurt. There was just no way to describe the effect that Kurt had on him. When he tried to explain it, the words sounded shallow and terse. He hoped that Kurt could see it, that the inefficiency of his vocabulary didn't keep Kurt from _knowing_.

**A/N:** This is my first story in a very long time and my first ever Glee fic. Breathe Again is the first part of a 4 part series that starts Kurt/Blaine. This section does not have a happy ending, unfortunately, you've been warned. Reviews are love.


	2. Chapter 1

Kurt watched his boyfriend from the other end of the couch. Blaine had a pencil tucked between his lips as he shuffled through papers and sheet music, cursing under his breath. Kurt could see how stressed Blaine was. Dalton had prepared him for a rigorous work schedule, but the added pressure from his parents about his choice of major was a huge, and wholly unnecessary, weight on Blaine's shoulders.

Add to that the guilt that Kurt knew he felt for how things had gone their first time, and he knew Blaine was close to his breaking point. He needed to remind Blaine of all the amazing things they shared before and during that night. In everything else they had done together, Kurt had always come, sometimes with embarrassing haste. It wasn't much of a surprise to Kurt, but Blaine would take it to heart and let it eat him up before they resolved anything.

"Why don't we take a break, baby," Kurt said as he scooted closer to his boyfriend. Hoping to help take Blaine's mind off everything and hopefully thin out the air between them.

"I think we could both use a distraction." Kurt removed the papers from Blaine's hands and slowly pulled him off the couch.

Their dorm room was small and sparsely furnished, but it was theirs. There were two bedrooms, but they hardly every slept apart. Kurt pushed Blaine through his bedroom door and onto his bed.

They kissed slowly for a few minutes, running their hands over hips and through each other's hair. Kurt thought he could live in Blaine's kisses. No matter what was happening or where they were, they felt like home.

"Let's try again." Kurt said breathlessly, as he straddled Blaine's hips.

"I've wanted you back inside me for _days_." He whispered in his boyfriend's ear. Blaine met his eyes and Kurt was sure the other boy could see how much he needed this, but Blaine still hesitated when Kurt moved his hand to the button of his skinny jeans.

"I don't know, Kurt. I've got so much work to do." The dark haired boy let his head fall back on the bed and withdrew his fingers. Kurt was a little affronted by his boyfriend's hesitation. He thought they were well over the "Baby Penguin" debacle. More than that though, he never thought Blaine would be afraid to be honest with him.

He could tell from the pleading look in the other boy's eyes that this brush off had little to do with school and everything to do with his still unvoiced insecurities.

"Blaine," Kurt started, as he removed himself from Blaine's lap, straightening his sweater. He leveled Blaine with his most intense stare just to be sure he had his full attention.

"I want you. I know things didn't go exactly how you wanted them to the first time, but I wouldn't trade a minute of it for anything. I love you, but I need you to talk to me. I need you to trust me with these things, even if they make you uncomfortable." He waited a few long moments for any kind of response. When it was obvious that Blaine needed some time to think, he left the room and returned to the couch.

He fervently hoped that this was a small stage in the bigger picture of their sex life. Sex certainly wasn't the most important part of a relationship, but he thought it set a precedent for how they would handle other aspects of life together. He laughed a bit and reminded himself of the days when he'd decided he never wanted to have sex. He had gotten himself all worked up about it when he and Blaine had first started dating.

Blaine had been amazing then. He never pushed. He was always just there and ready for whatever Kurt decided he wanted. Not that Blaine was any less amazing now. It was just Kurt's turn to be there for him.

He smiled softly as Blaine walked into the living room. He received a warm smile in return and soon he was snuggled against Kurt, Blaine's head resting on his chest.

"I'm sorry, baby. I know I'm not handling this well. I know that what we shared was beautiful, no matter the outcome. I'm just really embarrassed." Blaine looked up at him through long dark lashes and Kurt wondered if there was anything this boy could ever do that would make Kurt stop loving him. In that moment he was more in love with Blaine Anderson than he had ever been. He grabbed the other boy's hand and squeezed it tightly.

"You shouldn't be. I was so caught up in how right and perfect everything was and kicking myself for being afraid. It was wonderful and you were perfect." Kurt gave his fingers one more squeeze before letting go.

When Blaine didn't reply, Kurt didn't think much of it. He went back to his work and Blaine went back to his. It wasn't until later, when he was almost finished with his English paper, that something started to bother him. Blaine wasn't very good at giving or receiving compliments, but it was unusual for him not reassure Kurt of his feelings after such a confession.

Again, Kurt hoped that they would get passed this and maybe even be stronger because of it.

**A/N: **I forgot to mention a few Key things in the Prologue. A) I'm not Ryan Murphy, so I don't own anything. B) The title comes from a song by Sara Bareilles off Kaleidoscope Heart. That's it. Please Review.


	3. Chapter 2

Kurt was procrastinating. He was epicly good at it and if this were just an assignment or project, he wouldn't be bothered. What he was putting off though, was a rather serious conversation. He knew he needed to talk to Blaine about his concerns, but lately every conversation they had was particularly stinted. He remembered one particularly eye-opening moment.

_**Food doesn't belong in the sink. **__It was a simple statement, written on a blank sheet of printer paper, attached to their white board. They used it to remind them of tests, family functions and to communicate with each other if they both got really busy. This was a first though. _

_Just as Kurt read it for the fourth time, he heard the front door shut and Blaine walked in._

"_What is this?" Kurt asked, trying to gage whether or not it was a joke. _

"_You left Cheerios in the sink when you did the dishes last night and that's not ok. It's gross." Blaine answered with conviction. _

"_Really," Kurt asked, dumb struck. _

"_I left Cheerios in the sink after doing the dishes you promised to do after I cooked for you THREE days ago? Somehow, I feel like I'm missing something." He put his hand on his hip in true Kurt Hummel fashion and dared Blaine to respond._

_Of course, this being a confrontation, Blaine didn't respond. He merely mumbled something completely unintelligible and walked out of the room._

That fight in and of itself wasn't worrisome. Every couple had their moments, but it was Blaine's reaction that made Kurt really think. Could he be with someone who couldn't communicate with him properly? Obviously, Blaine was holding some things back. Either that or he _really_ hated Cheerios. Kurt chuckled a bit to himself and continued pretending to read his history text.

There were other things too. Like, they didn't really have sex. They got off, and had fun doing it, but that connection Kurt had felt that first night was gone and Blaine was unwilling to discuss it.

Every time Kurt brought the subject up Blaine would be completely silent. Kurt had gone to some pretty serious lengths too. He would do homework in short shorts and tank tops, knowing he looked hot, and hoping his boyfriend would notice. That very rarely happened and when it did, it was never quite the reaction Kurt had been looking for.

It brought him tumbling back to the "The Baby Penguin" debacle. Blaine had reassured him many times since then that the "gas pain faces" did not affect how he saw Kurt, but he hadn't been very forth coming with compliments either.

Blaine was beautiful and Kurt had no qualms about telling him so, but there was very little reassurance back. So, Kurt found himself in an awkward position. He had tried to be subtle. He had tried being not so subtle and straight out telling Blaine that all he wanted to hear, every once in a while, was that he was beautiful; or that all the effort that he put into his appearance wasn't wasted on his boyfriend.

No matter how many times they had the same conversation, the result was the same.

_Silence_.

Blaine would stumble through an excuse five minutes later, but it didn't help. It didn't change anything.

Again, if it were just one of these things; the sex or the communication, Kurt felt like he could handle it, but both were taking a serious hit on his self-esteem.

He was fabulous. Everyone knew he was fabulous. He just wanted to hear the boy he loved tell him he was fucking beautiful.

Apparently, that wasn't going to happen this year. Should he wait for the next one and hope for the best? Should he be the bitchy boyfriend and lay down an ultimatum? That wasn't what he wanted.

Blaine was wonderful. He was faithful and generally thoughtful. He took Kurt out to nice dinners and made sure he didn't want for anything, but the one thing that Kurt wasn't sure he could live without was _passion_.

Blaine was a magnificent performer. He gave every song he sang everything he had, so why was it so difficult for him to express himself to Kurt? What was Kurt not doing that Blaine felt he couldn't open up to him.

So, this brought him back to the serious conversation. He was going to admit that he was thinking about leaving for the first time.

He didn't want to. He'd really hoped that everything would work itself out and Kurt wouldn't have to hurt Blaine, but Blaine hadn't cooperated. Now, he just had to wait for the right moment. Hopefully, it would be obvious and help make Kurt's point with minimal damage to their relationship. That's all he wanted.

He wanted Blaine.

But he wanted Blaine to want him too. Kurt wasn't positive that was the case. At least not enough for the level of commitment they were considering. Kurt had been hoping, not completely silently, that they would be engaged soon. In fact, it was one more thing that made him think Blaine didn't want him for the long haul, even if Blaine himself hadn't accepted the fact yet.

KBKB

Blaine Anderson wasn't an idiot. He knew he was fucking up. He knew that every time he failed to say the right thing Kurt pulled a fraction farther away.

He hated hurting Kurt. Blaine considered every tear the boy cried a personal failure. He'd been failing pretty hard core lately. Epic failure would be an accurate description.

Blaine didn't really know how to give Kurt everything he wanted. Every time those blue eyes pleaded with him to just say something, _anything_, his brain froze. Anything he could have said was lost to nerves and the crippling fear that one wrong word would make Kurt leave.

He was glad they were on the same page on at least one subject. They loved each other. Blaine had to hope that it would get them past this funk they had fallen in, but Blaine Anderson wasn't an idiot.

KBKB

Kurt stared down at the exhausted, but sated face of his boyfriend of almost three years and thought of everything they had shared together; how much they had overcome.

"Blaine," he whispered and noticed how shaky his voice was.

"Yeah?" Came the boy's sleepy reply.

"I know that you're tired, but I really need to tell you something, but I don't know how." Kurt closed his eyes. He had no idea where to start, but he felt the other boy's body shift and his head lift onto Kurt's shoulder, waiting patiently.

"Kurt, you can tell me anything. I- I hope you still know that."

"I know, but sometimes it feels like you aren't even listening." Kurt stopped abruptly. This was it. He had to pool all his courage. He stopped as he thought the word over in his head. _Courage._ Fucking courage. How the hell had this happened to them?

"I don't know if this is what I want." Oh, there was no going back. It felt like flood gates had opened and everything he'd held back before to spare Blaine's feelings came spilling out.

"How many times have you watched me cry in silence? How many times have I told you exactly what I need? But I don't want to change you. If that's what it would take to make this work, then it's not right. I just need more of you Blaine. I want _all_ of you. It feels like I get a piece of you and you fucking own me. Everything in my life for the past three years has been yours. I was yours." Kurt stopped briefly to gage Blaine's reaction and was surprised to see anger crinkling his brow.

"Now that's not fair. I told you, from the very beginning, that I was horrible at romance and that I didn't want to hurt you. I love you. I want you here with me. I love our life, but I'm not very good with words. You _know_ that-" Blaine was cut off by a scoff.

"I don't need multiple words, I only needed one word. A very simple word and to feel wanted. That's it. But you shrugged me off and didn't fucking talk to me." Kurt was seething at this point, having pushed Blaine to the other side of the bed. He sat Indian style on his side of the bed with his arms crossed.

"I can't make this work anymore and I shouldn't have had to try by myself in the first place." Kurt's tears had started to fall in earnest now and he hoped that Blaine would realize how easy this could be if he just tried.

"So, are you breaking up with me? Because that's what this sounds like." Blaine's voice was soft and blank. Kurt couldn't bring himself to regret anything he'd said, but he hated seeing Blaine even farther removed than usual.

"I don't know. It didn't seem fair not to let you know that I was thinking about this. Blaine, you have to know, the last thing I wanted was to hurt you. I really thought that we had it." Kurt looked down at the twisted duvet and shook his head. He really had thought he was the luckiest guy in the world when Blaine had kissed him.

"But I can't do this anymore. I've compromised so much of myself for us and I can't anymore."

"So, you do want to break up." Blaine said, eyes shining and lips bitten plump from nervousness.

God, this man was sexy, but he wouldn't be side tracked. He had to finish this.

"I just needed to be completely honest with you. I tried so hard not to hurt you. That's why it took me so long to tell you everything. I really don't know what I want right now other than sleep. Do you mind letting this sit for a few days, just seeing where this whole honesty thing takes us?" Kurt lay back down and pulled the comforter around him, turning over to face his boyfriend.

They probably looked like quite the pair with red, blotchy eyes and tear stained cheeks. Blaine climbed under the covers with him and hesitantly intertwined their fingers.

"I love you, baby. I don't want this to end. Just let me know, ok?" Blaine squeezed his fingers one more time before letting go and turning over.

Kurt felt like maybe Blaine had just proved his point a thousand times over. Why wasn't Blaine trying to talk him out of it? There was no begging, no groveling, or kissing! Kurt shook his head and fell into a fitful and unsatisfying sleep.

**A/N:** So, the lack of dialogue throughout most of this fic is completely intentional. I want to show how disconnected the boys are from each other. This part will probably only have 2 or 3 more chapters and then the much longer second section will be posted as a separate story. I hope you all enjoyed this even if it is sad and please review!

Alto


	4. Chapter 3

Kurt was a horrible person. There was no other explanation for what he was doing to this boy; the boy who was kissing him slowly, reassuringly. The boy that didn't know that this would be the last time they kissed. Part of him had already detached himself from the situation, but the larger part was heart-broken.

As Blaine's hands pulled him onto his hips, making Kurt straddle the other boy's waist, something in him shattered. He was torn between needing this last beautiful moment to go on forever and needing it to end before he lost the rest of himself. How could he love Blaine so much and it still not be enough? Why was it inevitable that Blaine was going to get hurt?

Soon, Blaine's fingers were laced across his lower back and their hips started to move on their own accord into a familiar rhythm. Kurt wanted very much to look into Blaine's eyes, commit every hazel fleck into memory, but part of him was scared that Blaine would see through him. Kurt needed this and so did Blaine, for very different reasons.

"Blaine, I love you," Kurt whispered with conviction, as Blaine removed his shirt and ran calloused, muscular fingers up and down his sides, humming in appreciation.

"I love you too, baby." Blaine said plainly as he lay back. He brought Kurt down to lay next to him and started to undo the button on his own pants. Kurt took this as a sign to remove his own clothing. Once they were both completely naked, he pulled Blaine flush against him from knee to nose and breathed in the scent that was so distinctly Blaine.

Kurt remembered fleetingly how he'd slept with one of Blaine's sweat shirts his senior year while he was at McKinley. The scent had once calmed him. Now, he had to hold back tears.

His revelry ended when he felt Blaine's fingers wrap around him shyly. How could Blaine still be so timid after everything they'd been through? How could he contain himself so perfectly? It was quite ironic. The very first crack in their relationship had been due to Blaine's lack of control and now his stoic control was going to be their end.

As an afterthought, he reached over and grasped Blaine firmly, just like he knew Blaine liked and began to stroke him. They kissed and damn it all if that kiss didn't still feel like home.

Kurt didn't know how he was going to do this. Even as he felt Blaine shuddering and gasping his completion, he didn't know if he could come. Again, a battle raged within him. The part of him that wanted to hold onto this no matter what, was on the edge and ready to come. The part of him that knew, deep down, that he needed more, wanted it to never end. Yes, it seemed backwards, but if he was going to stay, this wouldn't be their last time. If, as he already knew, he was leaving, he wanted to hold onto this moment for as long as possible.

As he felt Blaine's hand gently cup and caress his balls, he knew it was over. He was coming and crying and he felt like, maybe he was bleeding. He chastised himself for being so over dramatic, but it really felt like he was physically wounded.

Blaine's whispers and fingers softly caressing his cheek did not help. It was then that he realized Blaine was wiping away his tears and shushing him quietly.

"What's wrong, love? Why are you crying? Did I hurt you?" Blaine's voice was reassuring and caring. It felt like one more stab to his already wound ridden chest.

He felt, again, like he had to be the worst person in the world.

"I'm sorry, Blaine. I- I've made up my mind." The finality of his tone made Blaine stiffen immediately.

Their eyes met and Kurt knew that Blaine would see how positively horrid he was. How much he hated himself for this but also how much he needed it. Very quickly, Blaine removed himself from their bed and ran to the bathroom to grab a towel.

While Blaine was gone, it really sunk in for Kurt, what he had just done. Thoughts don't hurt people, actions do. The hypothetical situation in which Blaine was hurt didn't come close to preparing Kurt for the actuality; for the pain and anger in Blaine's eyes.

Blaine returned with a towel and threw it at Kurt with not nearly as much force as Kurt had prepared himself for.

"This is really what you want?" Blaine asked resolutely.

"I have no idea what I want Blaine, but I know that what I need, it isn't here. I tried so hard because I love you. I'll always love you, but it's not enough to erase everything that's missing. I'm so sorry." I finished lamely.

He watched as Blaine fidgeted with the corner of their blanket.

"There- there isn't anyone else is there?" he asked softly as if he was ashamed to think it, but had to say it.

"No. That's not what this is about." Kurt said as he grabbed Blaine's hand and squeezed reassuringly.

"I could never do that to you. I wager I'll be on my own for a while after this. There are so many things I want to do and this is the perfect opportunity to focus on them and school." He paused for a moment and chose his words very carefully.

"I hope that, someday, you'll find someone who can do for you what you did for me. I wouldn't be who I am today without you. I- I hope you find the person that heals you." Kurt was crying again because he wanted to be that person so badly.

"Thank you, ba- Kurt." Blaine retracted his hand and stood, looking around the room fleetingly before grabbing his clothes.

"I'll put in a moving request on Monday." Blaine nodded and left the room swiftly, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"I am the worst person e_ver_." Kurt said to himself out loud.

**A/N: **Thanks to everyone who added this to their alerts and to the reviewers. You all make my day. And thank god for fanfiction because its so much cheaper than therapy. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. Reviews are love.


	5. Chapter 4

_A/N: This chapter is dedicated to SkittishKitten who's review gave me the swift kick in the ass I needed to get a move on, so thanks!_

Packing was fucking hard. Not because Kurt wasn't a well oiled, organized machine, but because everything he looked at or picked up made him think. Thinking, He had decided thinking was evil when he picked up a pair of socks off the floor and immediately burst in to tears for the thirtieth time that hour.

Kurt knew in his heart that he was making the right decision, but that knowledge didn't make it hurt any less. And it didn't make it any easier to walk away.

He just had to keep on reminding himself why it was the right thing to do, not even just for himself, but for Blaine as well.

Kurt wasn't the one for Blaine and Blaine wasn't the one for Kurt. They'd grown together, cried together, and Blaine had gotten Kurt through the worst time in his life. They'll always have that, but looking to the future for the first time and really being honest with himself, he knows they would have gotten here eventually.

So, it was with that in mind that Kurt put the tape on the last box, sat down on his bed and cried some more. He cried for everything they would never see together, every song they'd never sing, and for everything they'd never _be_.

He wasn't meant to be Blaine's husband, but he was still Kurt's best friend.

He hopes, eventually, it won't hurt to be in the same room and they can get back to that, but for now he just feels cheated every time they see each other.

KBKB

Blaine Anderson was, in fact, an idiot. He was a raging, insensitive bastard.

He'd tried really hard to be angry because this, this fucking _hurt_. He couldn't decide what hurt more though.

Was it Kurt leaving? Was it the fact that it had been completely within his power to make Kurt stay?

Most definitely the second one.

He wanted Kurt. He wanted him so fucking much. It was really unfair.

The worst part, honestly, was how broken Kurt seemed now.

He'd done that. His inability to be open and forthcoming had ruined everything. Kurt was an open book. Blaine never had to guess what Kurt was feeling or what he wanted. He envied that about Kurt so much.

It made sense that Kurt wouldn't understand why this was so hard for him. To Kurt it probably seemed damn near deliberate. It just wasn't that easy for Blaine.

Sharing and talking weren't things he was ever encouraged to do as a child. Anderson men did not talk about their feelings, or cry, and they certainly never admitted weakness.

'Of course, Anderson men didn't like _boys _either.' Blaine thought bitterly.

At first his silence had been due to embarrassment and stupidity. He'd waited so damn long for Kurt to be ready, for everything to be perfect, that he'd had no idea how to handle it when everything went completely wrong.

But Kurt had felt so damn _good._ So right.

Blaine looked around his room at that thought. There were still little things that reminded him of his ex-boyfriend. The playbill from the very first Broadway show they'd seen together was in a frame on the wall by his bookcase. They both had one. He wondered where Kurt's was right now.

Eventually his silence stemmed from self hatred. He was hurting Kurt. Everyday. Maybe he didn't deserve Kurt if all he ever did was make the boy hate himself.

No, the worst part was that it didn't change anything. He _couldn't_ be what Kurt needed, but he was selfish. He didn't really want to believe that they were over. He wanted to believe that he could be or do anything for Kurt, but that was obviously not true. He couldn't even fucking talk for Kurt.

And Kurt deserved more. He deserved everything.

Hell, even as they were ending, Kurt had been amazing. What Kurt had said really struck Blaine because he had never thought of himself as wounded.

_"I hope that, someday, you'll find someone who can do for you what you did for me. I wouldn't be who I am today without you. I- I hope you find the person that heals you."_

The conviction in the other boy's voice as he'd said those words reminded Blaine why he'd fallen for him.

Kurt moved him, but apparently not enough.

KBKB

His new dorm looks pretty much like his old one, but it's not home. Right now, home feels like Lima, Ohio. Right now, home feels like his Dad's arms and a cup of Carol's cocoa. For a large part of him, home still feels like a dorm on the other side of campus where he just left the same proportion of his heart.

Kurt knew it would get easier eventually. He had to remind himself everyday that this was for the best and that, in the long run, they'll both be happier this way. It still fucking sucked.

**A/N:** This is the end of this section. Not sure exactly when the next section will be up, but it will be called "One and Only". I'm on a huge Adele high right now. Going forward, I have an outline for the next bit, but I'm teetering about the pairing. Should it be Furt or Kurtofsky? I really like both, so I'm gonna need your help on this. Just to be clear, the next portion will be Kurt's happy ending. The third will be Blaine's, so please don't hate me. Please review and let me know what you think. Thank you!


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